One of the best things I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

I didn't write this. A guy named Calence Emerson from San Jose, CA did. I somehow stumbled on this through another web page. The page it was hosted on no longer exists as far as I know.

The guy is only 29... and I'd say he has a great perspective on how one should live their life. If I can attain an outlook like he describes, I would consider that one of my greatest achievements. It is kind of long but worth it... Enjoy!


Unconditional Love

First of all, romantic relationships shouldn't be more work than any
friendship/personal relationship. If they are, there's a problem with
the foundation. And if your regular friendships require no work, you've
stopped moving forward.

When I'm in a relationship with someone,I run into the same problem every time. I don't have any interest whatsoever in controlling any aspect of anyone's life, and people don't like that. If they want to sleep over at a friend's house for a few days - guy or girl - I don't mind. Why would I? My personal philosophy on romantic relationships is that if there are rules added to interrupt the way either person would normally live their life, it's not going to work.

I don't argue, I don't yell, I don't degrade people. I don't get jealous - at all, ever. What is jealousy? When I find someone amazing, who makes ME feel amazing, I want EVERYONE they know to experience that feeling. I don't understand the concept of wanting to keep others from experiencing someone amazing. It's completely backwards to me.

I've got infinite patience, I can switch into friend mode at any time, I don't give unwanted advice, I can sit in silence with someone if that's what they need. I am not motivated by sex (sorry, people). I could hold someone all night, and never even think one impure thought. Even if I was interested in them. And I happen to like it that way.

I am content with my life and I know my purpose. If I am in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to realize their purpose, there is always a risk that they will give up their path to follow me down mine. I do not want anyone to give up their dream to follow me! My ideal partner would be someone who would be willing to leave to follow their dream if our paths to our personal destiny no longer crossed. I want someone willing to let go when it's necessary.

I don't have "bad breakups." I've remained friends with everyone I have ever been with. Jaqi couldn't handle my transition, so she recently walked away from about 11 years of friendship but at least she was honest with herself about it. I can't help it if people are closed minded and brainwashed by the Dogma of Christianity. I can't help the fact that she doesn't want her family to know what I've done with my life. She can't stand up for herself, and that again is not my fault. My best friend is someone I was in a relationship with for a while - and she chose to walk down the path to her dreams which meant breaking up with me. And I'm proud of her for doing that. She married a wonderful man and has two beautiful children that I never could have given her. It has always been her dream to be a mother - and now she is. Because she followed her own dream NOT mine. And we are still as close as ever - even closer.

I don't get jealous or upset if someone I'm with is physically close with other people. Yes, there is a difference between connection and cheating. I
don't expect anyone to give up their closeness with anyone for any reason. Ever.

Learn to Love. Seriously.

I have been thinking about writing an article for my book on the ways
people control each other that is considered normal and is somehow
widely considered "acceptable."

I'll start with a quote I just read. I won't say where, though.

"I have no pictures [of him], my ex made me destroy them all."

Why do so many people submit to this kind of control and call it "love?" That's not love. That's control. And once again, it goes back to the subject of attachment and the jealousy that arises when people feel that they are going to lose someone.

The majority of people I have known in my life have stories similar to the above quote. When they enter into a new relationship, their partner coerces them into destroying everything that has to do with their ex partners. Photographs, letters, gifts, clothing, etc. They feel threatened. And the other person complies because they feel like they will lose their new partner if they don't.

Another form of control that is just beyond my scope of understanding is when people don't allow their partner to talk freely and openly with them if there is mention of a past partner. They just don't want to hear it. They want to be the world to one person, and if there is anyone else in this world who ever meant anything to their partner they feel threatened once again. Even if it is in the far past.

"If you loved me you'd burn those letters and photos."
"If you love me you won't talk about him."

And
they're left with no choice but to submit. Why? Because they feel as
though their relationship with their current partner depends on it.

... but is it worth it?

You can't erase the past. When you commit to love someone you are commiting to love that person as a whole - not just bits and pieces. Sure, some parts may be painful. But when you exert that kind of control over people you aren't helping your partner feel comfortable being open with you. You're actually closing them off more and forcing them to sneak around.

And what will you do when your current partner hides their photographs and letters instead of burning them? You'll probably find them one day and feel betrayed. But the betrayal lies not within your partner. No, the betrayal lies within you for trying to force control over their life.

... why can't people just love. Openly, honestly... in the moment, without trying to control or change the person they supposedly love?

If you are the kind of person who demands that your new partner destroy all memories with their past partners who came before you, those photographs and letters may mean more to that person than they will ever let on. If you ask someone to destroy something like that, chances are you are killing a piece of their soul. New memories don't overshadow old ones, they simply add to a person's life to make them more complete. As their new partner, you will never be to them what their past partners have been. And that's okay. Why? Because you are not those people. You are you. You can't be anyone BUT you. So why try? We need as many people in our lives as possible.

You don't have to stamp out everyone and everything that means something to your partner in order to feel loved and appreciated. Your partner can love and appreciate you for who you are - and at the same time, still love and appreciate other people in their life.

See, I don't care what anyone says - I am friends with nearly all of my past partners. And the ones I don't talk to - I just never see. I didn't kick them out of my life. We didn't have a falling out. We drifted apart to different cities, states, etc. just the same as friends do sometimes. If I saw them again there wouldn't be any tension. And I realize that is a hard concept for most people to grasp. I also understand that is one of the things people say to "watch out" for with guys. Because according to most people, guys can't be just friends with their exes. But I'd like to say that I am not the only exception to this rule. It's because I have learned how to develop healthy relationships with people that are not dependent on pain, control and jealousy. I CAN be friends with my exes, and I'd like to see someone try to stop me.

If you find yourself trying to control your partner by asking them to stop talking to certain people, stop hanging out with certain friends, cut of communication with their exes, destroy their photos and letters - no matter how mushy they may be - please take a look at your own life and try to find your own insecurities in the situation. The problem does not lie with those letters and photographs. The problem lies with you.

When you love someone, you should love them for who they are and all of their connections they have with the many diverse people in their life. You have to understand that forcing someone to stop talking about things that are important to them just because it makes you feel threatened or jealous - is not healthy. Not only does it hurt the other person because you've just put up a giant wall for them, but it hurts the relationship all together.

Instead of trying to force your partner to stop talking about people and situations you are jealous of, try to overcome that jealousy and see it for what it truly is: insecurity based on unhealthy attachment; the fear of losing something you have - simply because you expect to lose it at the drop of a hat.

Don't go through people's phones, address books, email, etc. It doesn't matter if it's your partner or not. You are not entitled to their personal space just because you are romantically involved with them. And even if they give you permission, think about why they are giving you permission. Did you ask? Because if you ask your partner if you can go through their personal space, there is a chance they only said yes to avoid a bigger conflict.

You don't have to share passwords and bank accounts and phones with someone just because they are your partner. If both people want to, then by all means go for it! But sometimes people like their independence and freedom in those areas. If that's how your partner feels, it doesn't mean they don't trust you or love you. It doesn't mean they are hiding something, either. It just means they enjoy their independence and privacy.

Learn to love, people.
Learn to love people.

Unconditionally.


Just as no one can hold other people responsible for their failures, no one can hold other people responsible for their success. It seems like an odd thing to say at first - because we all know that people can and do greatly affect our lives. But above all else, it is ultimately up to us to choose what we do.

In essence, I've taught myself to love through the opportunities I've been given.

Attachment. It's normal for people to form attachments to people and things. But it creates a cycle of suffering for all involved. As humans, we are never satisfied. When we don't get what we want, we suffer. When we get what we DON'T want, we suffer. Even when we get EXACTLY what we want, we STILL suffer because we can't hold onto it forever. And, when we have a long list of attachments we feel we need in order to be happy... if just one of them goes unmet, it tends to overshadow the ones that have been met and, once again, we suffer.

When I say I love you - I am not looking for your approval. I am not merely trying to make a difference in your life to be special to you. I am who I am. You are who you are. And I don't need to be constantly told that I am special to you. There was a time when I felt as though I needed that
reassurance from those in my life. I wanted to feel important, special, recognized, loved. But it's not something that can be felt through words. How do I know you care about me? I feel it. Spiritually. I see it in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. I feel it when you hug me. I see and hear the way you care about others in much the same way. It's a part of you, and all that you do - not the motions you go through by tossing words around.

I now recognize how people become dependent on others for recognition and reassurance - and how the cycle of control begins. If I build you up with a million compliments - which are nothing more than my opinion - you become dependent on those compliments and find yourself living to please me just so that my image of you won't change. And so begins the cycle of pain and control.

When I tell you how amazing you are, it is not based on anything you do for me. Although you do a lot for me, if you stopped tomorrow I would still see you as absolutely amazing. It's because I really see you for who you are. Whether I "benefit" from your kindness and love - you are still incredibly beautiful. If you walked out of my life tomorrow it would be extremely painful naturally... but if that became your chosen path I would not see you as any less beautiful.

You are free to believe the way you believe, walk the path you walk, indulge in what you enjoy and be who you are - whatever that may entail. If today I applaud you for an accomplishment - and tomorrow you renounce that passion, I shall applaud your new passions, whatever they may be. It's not the content of what you do that I love - it's the passion you put into it, the amount of yourself that you put into them.

It doesn't matter what you do, only how well you do it.

I hold no desires. If I hold a desire for something, my happiness will depend on attaining that desire. If I do not attain that desire, I will suffer. Once again, the pain of attachment and desire can enter the picture and take control.

I don't want to bring you up with praise today and then send you crashing down tomorrow if I disagree with something you believe. I don't want you to think that I will love you any less if you disagree with me on even the most important issues in my life. I pray that I never put you in a position where you become dependent on my praise to feel important. I don't ever want you to form an opinion of yourself based on what I do or do not say about you or to you. Although I do wish for you to form an amazingly strong and solid opinion of yourself... I want you to find it within yourself from your perspective.

As much as we try not to become dependent on others for our self-image we also have to make sure we try not to create situations in which others become dependent on us for their self-image.

It's true that compliments and complaints are one and the same - someone else's opinion of us. We can listen to them but once we accept them we have accepted someone else's opinion of us and we allow it to define us. If we agree with compliments it boosts our ego. If we agree with complaints and negative comments it drives us into the ground.

I've learned how to love through the unconditional acceptance and love that you have shown to me. When I say the word love, I mean that deep, spiritual love that just exists on a level the ego cannot touch.

I want you to have strong, deep connections with as many people in your life as you possibly can. I want you to share your love, your kindness and compassion with all the people you have in your life. I want people to know you like I do. I want others to see into your soul the way I can. I hope you give them that oportunity.

I never fully learned how to appreciate the concept of living in the moment until I experienced what I have experienced having you in my life throughout just the last few months. I understood the concept but couldn't put it into practice. And now I do it every day. Not just with you - with everyone else in my life, too. It's wonderful.

Before we got really close, I asked Spirit to show me how to love without attachment., how to maintain the kind of connection we have without forming the unhealthy attachment that creates suffering and destruction. And all my prayers were answered. And I can apply it to everyone else in my life. Other situations, too.

I'm not going to say that no one else can make me feel the way you do.
Plenty of people contribute to the joy in my life. And you're one of them.

I'm not going to say that I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone in my life. I care about everyone equally and truly. I love everyone in my life with all of my heart, including you.

But I will say that you are the first person I have been able to love so completely and purely - but not because of you - because of me. I wasn't capable before. And I'm just glad that you are in my life now... because a few years ago I wouldn't have been able to be so real.

I love you for who you are - in this moment, every moment, from now and for always. Whatever parts of you change - opinions, beliefs, desires, ideas... it doesn't matter - because everything we do, everything we say, what we like and dislike - is all subject to change. All that is external and has nothing to do with your core existence.

I was going to make this private, but... something tells me someone else may get something out of this. So I revived it and reposted it. I don't know why, but here it is.